Failure to thrive. That’s it. That’s the #1 cause.*
Not the failure to thrive exhibited by some infants, of course, but rather the loss of energy, emotional wellbeing, and overall spark and zest for life that results when a mom is not a fully integrated human being.
Rage is not the problem. Rage is the symptom.
It starts with the pull of devotion toward your kids and morphs into sacrificing yourself on the altar of motherhood. You stray from your hobbies, your friends, your ideas, your passions—what makes you come alive. You don’t know who you are anymore. You become so habituated to your role as Mom that you can’t see a different way of doing or being.
I know you’ve been searching for answers, hoping for a quick fix, but the truth is those answers and that quick fix to your rage would only be a Band-Aid, and it would fall off as soon as you started to sweat. The only fix is becoming you again.
“The fact is, however, external changes are not going to solve your problem because they don’t address the root of your problem. The root problem is that you don’t feel whole and complete within yourself.” –Michael A. Singer, The Untethered Soul
You’ll resist the whole idea of becoming whole.
I can’t. I’d feel guilty—like a bad mom. It would harm my relationship with my kids. I’ll seem weak. My husband would resent me. I don’t deserve it. I’m not worthy.
I’ll be ok. I’ll figure out another way to get through this. I should be able to do this on my own.
Meanwhile, you’re still raging at your kids.
I’m calling you out on all that. Maybe it’s time for some tough love:
Get yourself together. Get help, support of some kind, any kind. Ignore the voices or even better, eliminate them all together. And go make yourself really fucking happy.
“It ain’t rocket surgery, buddy,” an old boss of mine used to say.
This ain’t either.
It’s only the hardest easy thing you’ve ever done. Buddy.
But I promise that you and your kids will be better for it.
*This does not take into account rage that is caused by PPD, though PPD may also feel like “failure to thrive.”
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