During the concert I wrote about in my one of my last posts the band brought about a dozen people from the crowd onto the stage. I noticed one of them, a woman, right away. Something about her look, her clothes, her movement, her confident sexiness, her way of being.
She caught the eye of the guitarist, too. As the band played and the fans danced he paused mid-song and went over and said something in her ear. I imagined it was along the lines of, “I think you’re absolutely beautiful.” And maybe even, “I’d really like to talk to you. Come by room 542 later.”
Whether he said the last part or not, whatever it was it wasn’t a “I wanna fuck you” exchange. No, no. The boyishness of his response to her—the purity of his grin, the blushing of his cheeks—suggested he was smitten.
For a moment I was jealous. I wanted someone to look at me like that.
And then I remembered. . .
Two years into my relationship with my husband, then boyfriend, a friend, upon meeting him for the first time, commented that she could tell how much he loved me by the way he looked at me.
I imagine he looked at me just as the guitarist looked at the woman dancing on stage. All cute and boyish and pure-hearted.
What an honor to have ever been looked upon in such a way.
And what sadness that with the passing of the 15 years since and the increase in demands upon us, that look is long gone.
I shared this story with my husband. I told him I didn’t expect him to be different, to look at me as he once did—I have no control over that—but that it is now my intention to show up in such a way that the space will be there should he feel inspired to do so.
He dismissed it, implying my mission was unnecessary. I reiterated that I wasn’t expecting him to change. He said nothing more.
His comment was not personal. It was assurance that despite what had changed, his feelings had not.
Still, I’ve moved forward committed to bringing about a never-ending opportunity for him to give me “the look,” while remaining unattached to whether he does so or not.
This means acting consciously in our relationship. It means growing in who I can be as a partner. And maybe it even means being totally smitten with myself first.