I wish you could see yourself as I do.
We don’t meet in person. We don’t do Skype or FaceTime. And while you may have seen my picture online, we don’t exchange photos.
But I see you.
We connect over the phone. We connect through our voices, the energy of our presence, and your essence.
Unable to observe your physical appearance, home, car, parenting style, habits, or any other external quality or activity, I listen in order to delve into the depths of your being, creating space free of judgment and assumptions and open to your individuality and humanity.
Seeing your uniqueness–that which lights you up, the lens through which you capture your world, the offerings you place before others–makes it impossible to judge.
Seeing your humanity–your hopes, fears, and dreams–the humanity that is shared with the mom I talked to yesterday, and the one the day before that, and the one last week, and all others–makes me unwilling to judge.
We are each unlike any other and at the same time, all the same. We’re bound by this unspoken and unseen connection.
When you see yourself as I see you, you recognize that you, just like every other mom, is doing the best she can in any given moment. And that you, like every other mom, believes she could be doing better.
You see then that “mommy wars” are a waste of life and that we all want the same things, feelings really. And that just saying we want the same things isn’t enough–we must soften into the truth of it.
You see then that the negativity found in play groups and on the internet is a cry for connection, a calling out in pain, a sign that we’re lacking deep understanding of ourselves and others.
When a mom bursts wide open for maybe the first time in her life, saying
I’m not pretty enough.
I’m not smart enough.
I’m not capable.
I’m not worthy.
I’m not good enough.
I’m not enough.
then you know that she is just like the rest of us. Just like our friends, our moms, our sisters, ourselves.
We plow over each other as we stroke our egos striving to be right, to validate ourselves, to get validation from others. All the while trying to make our “opposition” wrong, bad, less than, or un-worthy and neglecting to see that there is no “us vs. them.” There’s only us. All of us. All of us moms, all of us women, all of us human creatures.
We’ve been conditioned to worry, to fear, to distrust, to regret, to feel like we aren’t deserving of the space we take up in our bodies, our homes, our families, our planet.
But that’s a facade. That’s not who we are. Who we are is really all the same. I know because I’ve seen it. I’ve seen your core. And hers. And hers.
You’re trying your best, just as she is, just as I am. You love your kids, just as she does, just as I do. You want to contribute, serve, and be fearless. You want to feel strong. You want to be fulfilled. You want to be happy. You want to feel so damn good it almost hurts. Just as she does. Just as I do.
You know what feels better than belittling? Better than assuming the worst of others? Better than indulging our egos with harshness and judgment?
Leaning into our shared humanity.
Enjoying this trip around the sun.
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