We can write from the wound or the scar. This is a lightly edited, self-coaching/journaling piece written from a (minor) wound of mine. This is where I am right now. This is real life.
Even as I’m telling him he should interact differently with our kids I realize my hypocrisy. I’m criticizing him, feeling irked and victimized by him, just as he is with our kids.
When you point your finger at another there are still three fingers pointing back at you.
I am a hypocrite. And just not very kind or helpful or compassionate right now.
I’ve been off my game for days and really since last month when we moved, at least with him. With everyone else I’m fine. But with him things are off. I am off.
I’m failing to show up in the energy I want to—compassion, peace, joy, non-judgment. Instead, I’m the complete opposite. Ugh.
What do I need so I can re-engage as the partner I know I can be?
To let go of expectations that he show up as the bright light in our lives and instead be the bright light myself. I know then that I’ll feel good even when he’s off, or even better, that he’ll start emanating his light too.
We can never really control another, you know? Not our kids, not our husbands. One of the great lessons of life is learning to show up as we want to be and not let any other person throw us off our center. It’s a lifelong learning process.
What else do I need for this to happen?
To look at my trigger, the thing he’s doing that makes me want to lecture him.
From my perspective, he’s not being the happy-go-lucky, thrilled-about-life, content-with-our-kids man that I hoped would be living with me when we moved. It feels as though he promised me life would be better here and he’d be happy but isn’t living up to it.
What is it about this situation that triggers me?
I don’t know what our new normal is and that makes me feel unsettled. I’m craving certainty. Despite being really good with uncertainty, I’m feeling jumpy with it right now.
(Maybe reminding myself that the only constant is change could help.)
I’m not being happy-go-lucky either. What I’m accusing him of is something I could actually accuse myself of. He is showing me where I am and that doesn’t feel good.
I feel like I need to be held up right now, and he can’t necessarily do it. Which means holding myself up. And feeling like I need to hold up him and our kids too.
What’s stopping me from holding myself up?
Nothing. Abso-fucking-lutely nothing except the mind games I’ve been playing with myself.
I’m capable. I can do this. I can lead myself, my husband, our kids. I do it all the time.
It’s really the disappointment I’ve been feeling in myself lately that is to blame. I’m disappointed with me. I’ve let myself down. So when I’m feeling like he’s let me down, really I’m the one who’s let me down.
I let me down and it’s affecting my marriage.
There it is.
Disappointment is causing me to be easily triggered and to grasp for certainty and propping up.
Only I can deal with this disappointment though, end the mind game, move on with life.
He isn’t disappointed with me. This is my mental mess.
So where do I go from here?
Get centered. Slow down. Presence. Coaching. Deep breaths. A bit of yoga. Move through the cold and snow—maybe even while getting coached, breathing deeply, and doing yoga.
Set an intention to get back on track, to be what I want to see in my family.
Oh, and be gentle with myself, especially until the freaking PMS passes.
I can do this. I’ve got this. Breathe. Just breathe.